Warning Sign

Mm.. I know I promised not to do this anymore, but I'm having a day of memories..

J and D. Its hard to know who I miss more. I haven't spoken to D for nearly a year now. I'm done fighting it, but these days of living in the past still weird me out a bit. I keep reminding myself to keep moving forward, but if I close my eyes, I can still feel myself back there, in his love. It was very very sweet.

And J. J who defined what love really was to me. I wish I could tell him all he meant to me, how sometimes I can't believe that we aren't still together, that we won't somehow end up together. There is nothing to suggest this will ever happen, but he just still feels so much a part of me. So much shared history. He was my best friend, my love, for just so long.

shut up and kiss me..

Wow, it has been so long since I posted here, I suppose a few updates might be in order.. 

Firstly, I fell in love. With a boy.. lets call him.. T. Wow, i fell hard for that boy. It was stupid and impossible, and the inevitable happened. Because of K, he couldn't do "this" anymore. And then we managed to ruin everything, with our pettiness and our immaturity. But while it lasted.. I was really happy. He was smart, sweet, cute and unbelievably hot. And now we don't even talk. And I miss him. I know - it seriously is D take 2. So many similarities. 

K and I continue on. I sort of lost my way with him there for a while, because of T, but he hung in there. He's so unbelievably loving and supportive. But.. he's not the one. I wish he was, I can't seem to let him go, but especially since I met T, i feel like i've expanded again, and I can't fit back into K's love. I know - its J take 2. *facepalm*

There is somebody new on the scene. Annoyingly, he is also a T, so we're gonna call him T2. I haven't met him yet, just emails and a phone call. But, he seems promising. Very smart and funny. 2 of my favourite things. 

Firstly, would you believe that D has been back in my head again. I can't even remember the last time we had a decent conversation. I think I realised lately, that I've been really fucked up since him. I don't like myself anymore. I think I'm ugly. I just don't like who I am at all. Its strange that I could have gone so long without realising it. I can't place if I felt this way pre-D, but I definitely did post-D. And its one of those things that makes you go "huh.. I don't know what to do with that." 

Because it doesn't matter how loving K is - on some level I don't believe him. Its not that I don't believe in love - because I do. But.. hmm... D meant everything to me. It felt like star-crossed lovers to me. And if he lied, if that meant nothing to him - how do I ever trust again? What means anything anyway? I don't know. I seriously don't know the answers to these questions. What do I want?! 

what do I want. now there is the question. I can't tell you the answer to that. I'm not naive enough to say that having D back would magically solve anything. I'm not going to start liking myself because he's back, although I might be distracted from my dislike. 

Something else that occured to me too.. I have felt this schizm in me, because for so long now I've wanted something that A - i think i shouldn't want and B - I don't think I can have. And I'm wondering if A or B is really the problem. That is - should I not want this? or is my problem caused by thinking that i can't have what i want. I think the second, but once again - what do you do with that??

I am so all over the place, I barely know what to think. The way I act - estranged to D, friendly but distant with J, loving with a barrier to K, and doing my best to ignore T's existance. None of this makes me feel any better about myself. I think i should end things with K, but he'd be so devastated, and I love him enough to not want to do that to him on a whim. 

Funny dream

In my dream last night, I was crying, really crying hard, over D. I was crying, and saying to somebody "please - I don't want to feel this way about him anymore.. I don't want to cry over him forever"

it was a really sobering dream. Because I really do feel that way.

oh well.

I don't even know what to say..

Cancer:

Your Week Ahead: How late is too late? You feel that something ought to have happened ages ago. You can't quite believe that you're still waiting for someone to make a commitment, or recognise an obvious truth. It has been so long since you asked the universe to help you bring about a change that you have almost forgotten why you wanted it to come about. But you do still want it and there is still plenty of time to benefit from it. You have misgivings, uncertainties and anxieties. Given all that you face that's natural, even healthy. But it doesn't mean you should reject a gift or turn down an invitation

I asked 3 questions about D
i
1 - did he really love me?
2 - why did i feel it so strongly when we ended?
3 - is he gone from my life forever?

I trust that i'll get answers to these questions.

Finding W confusing. My own feelings about him go round and round. I've noticed that i usually feel worse after seeing him than i did before seeing him, so i guess thats my answer. its a shame though - he's cute :)

You don't know me..

Wow

wanna talk about your mixed feelings?

I'll be honest - I missed D, and I wanted to talk to him so badly.
Buut.. I knew that talking to him always upsets me, and that I'd rather not have him in my life at all if I couldn't have what I wanted..
How's that for mixed up vibrations?

So then last night, I'm insanely tired and talking to MsA, after K had just gone offline, when I hear that familiar "cloonk" which means only one thing - D.. I actually began to shake, REALLY shake, teeth chattering, barely able to type, shake. And we had one of those conversations that D specialises in - light, meaningless, and leaving me feeling totally devastated.

So, what do you really want, She? Him, or not him?

I want love. I want to feel the way I did with D. I don't even know if thats possible with D anymore.. never say never, i guess. I don't know how its going happen, feeling that way again, I mean, but I'm sure it can, and for now, thats enough.

Thing was, I was almost there. I wonder if thats why he's back. its all vibrational, i guess.

i just don't want to end up back to where i'm waiting to hear from him again.. its torture!

some guidance please

so we all go through phases

we grow, we shift, we consolidate

i feel a little as if the rug was pulled from under me this week.

i don't know what to do next. i sure could use some guidance.

-she