Here I am..

.. laid bare, for all to see.

If words are just pointers, lets see if I can point to how I'm feeling. I feel today as if there is a gaping hole in the middle of my chest. I can't put my finger on what exactly is missing.

Except, I can.

It makes me hate myself to feel him missing like this. I feel as if I've been transported back in time - as if all that healing I did, all that releasing, is suddenly undone. I suppose, rationally, I know that I'm likely to feel better tomorrow, and each day after that, but its disheartening to feel this way. To feel as nothing I, nor anyone else can do will touch me today.

I want so much to have a good year, to feel whole and happy, to love and be loved. That used to come so easily to me. I suppose it still does, but now I lack focus. I so want to find what I want. I want to stop looking over peoples shoulders, looking for that one, that special perfect one.

Today, life is good.