Just so you know

I want to tell my story.

so, not all that long ago, I was a girl with a plan, with a life, with a love. J and I had been together a long time. and we were happy. apart, but very happy, and very in love. we marvelled at how in love we were, given the distance, and the time.. that there was still so much magic.

then a few things happened. firstly, J promised to move to be with me. then, he got offered a job that required him to stay where he was - and he didn't choose me. i felt bewildered and betrayed.

secondly, all of our friends, who had met people (what seemed to us) recently, started to get married. but us? nothing. same old thing, after so many years.

and thirdly. I met him. D. Who took my breath away. would this had happened without 1 or 2? its hard to know. nobody had ever turned my head before. was it just timing, or was it fate? all i knew is that i had found something, someone, amazing, and i couldn't get enough of that feeling.

and when things started to fall apart with J and i, i looked to D more and more. I was so in love with him. i felt like there almost needed to be another word for it, because love seemed like a weak description of how incredible it felt. we were together only a short time, but i remember it as bliss.

and then, as suddenly as he entered my life, he left. we speak occasionally, but he's not the same person. he's a shell of a man compared to what i loved. i think its because he turned away from who he really was, but maybe thats just me trying to feel better about myself, i don't know.

tonight i think about J though. i think about how his love enveloped me, nourished me.. how he adored me. i miss that feeling, that safety of the unbelievable trust we had between us. i chose differently, i guess. but so did he.

i want to ask him 'are you happy? do you miss this love, this wonderful joy that we had together?' but that might be cruel. because he has done well, building his new life, and you can never go back, not really.

D opened a pandora's box in me. new depths and heights of emotion that i never dreamt of, never dared to feel. i don't know where this will lead me, but i know that i have expanded, and i'll never fit back into the space where i was before.